Brain Babble

It’s been a rough week. I can’t lie about that but I certainly want to.

Multiple issues Sunday and Monday, a couple this morning. Perhaps one of the most disheartening realizations was the fact that, even though I knew I shouldn’t go on rollercoasters, I will never be on another one as long as I’m alive and  “healthy”. I tried swinging next to my daughter. Swinging, you know, on a swing set? My favorite part as a kid was always that arc right before you got too high and the sing started jumping. I didn’t even make it to that part before “something” happened and I almost fell out of the swing. No swings for me. No rollercoasters. That family trip to Six Flags my husband and I have been planning for when the kids got older just got thrown out the window.

But, hey, even just typing about it I started to get upset and get a little dizzy, but that could just be my medication kicking in.

My husband met his daughter, finally, after being denied for so long by her mother! From what my husband relayed to me and from what I saw myself on her social media stuff… my husband was right in that he made quite a positive impression on both his daughter and her soon-to-be-stepdad. He made enough of an impression on the latter that it has caused his ex some second thoughts in regards to whether or not she wants to indeed marry her third child’s baby-daddy. Interesting creatures, people.

I need to go in to my neurologist, the twitches in my hand keep getting worse. I don’t know if it’s related or not but I am forgetting and mixing up words I shouldn’t be. I can’t help but feel like I started going downhill super fast in one way once the medication was started for something else. What if the seizures are an allergic reaction to the medication? What if I’m not as sick as she thinks or it’s not what she thinks? I’m being hopeful, I’m trying not to be naive, I’m trying to ask questions so I don’t end up like a vegetable for the rest of my kids’ childhoods.

There’s so much in my head, but I am so tired. My sleep has not been restful at all the last few weeks. or maybe just two weeks, I’ve lost count. It’s my body, adapting to the medication.

Even now, I can feel the fire in my hands under my skin has returned. It makes me want to take an ice bath, and I hate the cold, normally the cold hurts. Ah, well,  life goes on.

Hopefully, I’ll be sitting down with my son’s principal tomorrow to discuss why the hell she let a child get away with punching my son in the eye. Accident, my ass. An accident wouldn’t have landed a fist in his eye, instinctually your hands are open when you fall. Just freaking common sense.

I have found myself missing my fellow writers as of late, the ones I used to meet with, and the community of bloggers I was with before I was here. Things keep changing, eh?

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Can I Give You Family For Christmas?

My husband is back by where his ex and his first daughter are. Originally we had thought he wouldn’t be able to come home for my birthday or Christmas. Turns out, we had been wrong and he had been allotted two weeks of time off for the holidays. He started taking measures to come home, spoke of surprising the kids, spun some fanciful tales of bringing his daughter home with him for Christmas so we could ALL finally meet her, not just him. They were just daydreams we spun out, laughed over, and secretly wished were realistic.

When he emailed his ex… he got the typical “Of course you can see her, oh, wait, no you can’t” song and dance he’s had every time he’s tried to meet her.

We talked. We sat in silence on the phone, each of us heartbroken in our own ways in the silence, weighing it down with all the tears we’ve shaded in the past and should know better than to shed now.

“Stay.”

It’s what broke the silence. It was the word that broke my heart and would break the hearts of my kids if or when I tell them the untold story of Christmas 2015.

“If there’s any chance you can finally meet her, you should stay.” This was a bit stronger, and felt with a sincere passion and stubbornness.

If I could have seen him, I know the way he would have looked at me; his eyes a bit more open, his shoulders tensed in surprise and apprehension as he waits to see if I’m going to break down crying.

“You should stay.” I said again.

“Okay. I’ll cancel my leave.”

One sentence… with years of heartbreak, trepidation, disappointment, hope, fear.

I couldn’t say “You both deserve this chance.” It felt too much like telling him to put one side of his family above the other. He’s made my son such a priority, how could I tell him to do any differently in regards to his own daughter?

I just hope that one day, they can both see this and realize I said what I said out of love for them both and in hopes that it would finally bring all facets of our family together into the beautiful jewel it is meant to be.

Today is One of Those Some Days

Singing Through The Rain Picture Courtesy of WWW.SingingThroughTheRain.Net

 

Some days are hard. Then some are harder.

Today is a hard day; a cry yourself to sleep smelling his pillow, feed the kids fruit and goldfish for dinner, and eat chocolates in front of the television day. Not that I’d let myself do… all… of those things… at once…

I married a military man. To put it simply, I am the contracted mistress and breed mare to a man first and foremost married to his country. I do not mean to minimize the importance of this role. It is, in fact, my honor to hold such a title as Military Spouse.

When he is gone, one of the best parts of our family is missing. There’s something about the way our family works that holds with the idea of a family tree. The underlying strength he supplies us all with, the nourishment and shielding I add to that strength, our children who blossom and grow into fruits that will sooner or later fall away from us to either thrive or whither on their own.

There is something about the good memories that bring my heart, trembling, to it’s shattering point only to pour molten tears down onto it, welding it back together stronger than it was before. I may not feel that strength, and it takes time to heal, but with proper care and loving intentions, I’ll come to see it for what it was and is.

My family is broken, but it is those broken pieces that are spread over land, air, and sea protecting this nation.

Please, keep that in mind. Please, do not dishonor the sacrifice my family, my children, are making for you to be free. Please, strive to behave in a way that says “thank you” instead of “fuck you” this holiday season, or any other season.

Those Letters You Never Send…

I’ve written my level headed response to TheEx’s email, something which took me walking away from it several times and probably a good 24 hours.  With that “reasonable response” written, there are a few things left unsaid that I really need to get off my chest.


 

The problem is actually on the return on Sunday… And again it’s not about stressing my schedule… Really? Because “stressing my [your] schedule was a phrase I quoted directly from your previous email regarding this weekend’s normal visitation. It’s about having quality time with Alexander rather than just being in the car or at work or leaving him with a sitter. While it’s nice to see you FINALLY taking an interest in the quality of the time instead of the quantity of the time, the fact that you are contacting me on a Wednesday about your visitation beginning Friday doesn’t show much consideration at all.

I’m suggesting any 5-7 day period during the thanksgiving week that 
a) makes up September, October and November visitation While I appreciate you being willing to move the September visitation on my request, the fact that you are only just now concerned about it’s rescheduling speaks volumes.
b) includes thanksgiving day (it’s my year for that), I am well aware it’s your year for Thanksgiving. Based on the schedule we currently have which was specific to this duty station, mind you, my/ChaosMonkey’s calendar is already scheduled out till his 18th birthday.
c) minimally impacts his school schedule and It shouldn’t impact his school schedule at all, you self-centered ass.
d) doesn’t negatively affect any existing plans you have for time with your family. I would like to make this irrevocably clear: ANY time ChaosMonkey is away from my side of the family negatively impacts said family. I miss him, his siblings miss him, I dare say his stepfather misses him. We all take turns as often as possible when we talk to him on the phone while he’s away. His brother and sister cry and want to know when he’s coming back despite wanting him home right then. We are all HEARTBROKEN when he is away.

Options I see, but am open to other suggestions…

Friday to Friday (20-27) Jump off a cliff. That doesn’t allow us any of his Thanksgiving break to celebrate with him.
Sunday to Sunday (22-29), See Option 1’s response.
Wednesday to Sunday (25-29) and make up November during Christmas… Go fuck your narcissistic self, it’s our year for Christmas/my birthday which I had the option of having him for every year as it is my birthday. I was NICE when I agreed to alternate years with you and you’ve been a lying, manipulative, underhanded, un-child-supportive DICKHEAD.
If the whole thing falls through due to the move, we could also discuss making it all up during Christmas somehow… Though I really dislike the idea of pushing off 3-4 months… See Option 3’s response.

Respectfully, As if you have any idea what that word means.

TheEx


And on the other side of the family…


Dear Husband’s Ex,

Telling us you can’t give us the information to order school pictures for you and TheHubby’s daughter when, in fact, the school sent it home a couple weeks ago and you yourself would not be able to have ordered photos without said info, is outrageous. I shouldn’t be surprised given your colorful history but at the same time I can’t help but expect more from the human side of you, if there’s any left in the bitch that you are.
Sincerely,
Me

Can You Be Reasonable With The Unreasonable?

How can you respond reasonably to an unreasonable person? It would seem that is the lesson my son is bound to learn from this summer as we continue to struggle through things with his dad.


Dear Amebic Toad,

Once again, you have put our son in the middle of communications that should be occurring between us.

When I had him call you to discuss his desire to switch his weekend with you from this weekend to another, it was because he is coming to an age where he needs to voice his desires to you himself instead of asking me to act as a conduit. It was not so you could once again try to indoctrinate him into a childhood/lifelong messenger servitude to you.

Plus, given the multitude of miscommunications between the households, it only makes sense to keep the scheduling discussions between the two people who have control over the scheduling.

Not to mention the fact that, as you so succinctly put it, ChaosMonkey is a child. It is not only inappropriate for you to be putting him in the middle of these “discussions”, but it is not emotionally healthy to be submitting him to that kind of emotional stress. He is dealing with more than his fair share of that going between two completely opposite households. Any attempts on your part to communicate through/via ChaosMonkey will be ignored, one reason among the multitude being that he is a child and could easily misunderstand and I would hate to make plans with a child who has misunderstood the situation. *cough cough*

In short, knock it the fuck off, you dickless reptile.

Sincerely,

One Proud and Protective Mama


… I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that he did this, and on our dime nonetheless. If you know a dog bites, don’t be surprised when it does. I just can’t get over how he keeps putting ChaosMonkey in such stressful situations. He’s a kid, a KID, he shouldn’t be a pawn in some control freak’s power struggle over money (I’d say time if ChaosMonkey felt like there was time being spent on him).

My son has come home from his dad’s saying things like “I may as well not even exist till after noon”, or “my dad’s probably not going to show up because he didn’t set his alarm”, or “my dad won’t change because I ask him to”. He has gone through heart broken year after year and he is starting to get angry.

Yes, my husband has gone above and beyond to make him feel like part of the family, and if ChaosMonkey’s dad hadn’t requested visitation (read as reduction of child support) he may very well have truly developed that father-son with Hubby, but when his dad interjected himself and created disappointment after disappointment and stress after stress on our son and I and hence my whole family, it puts this terrible wedge between them.

Hubby is responsible, noble (in his own way), driven to be the best he can be. He expects the same, quite reasonably, from his family. ChaosMonkey tries to live up to that and thrives on the expectations to meet. When he comes home from his dad’s… he’s lost, moody, his self esteem drops, he lashes out. It’s always been difficult but we’re getting to some crucial milestones and how he decides to deal with the situation between his practically warring households will steer so much of his life.

I know he doesn’t feel emotionally safe with his dad or discussing how hurt, ignored, angry, and so on with his dad and he has always been fearful of suggesting things to his dad that would require, frankly, effort. He has told me so many things that he has begged me to not tell his dad because he is afraid his dad will withdraw (not the word he used but it’s the word his mind was going for).

For ChaosMonkey to agree to talk to his dad tonight and not just bow out of what he wanted was huge and I was so proud of him for putting himself out there in that vulnerable position and then his dad does this… and I am still somehow surprised. Why am I surprised that in his narcissism he doesn’t, can’t, or won’t see what he’s doing to our son? Our amazing, talented, compassionate, full of a need to be loved and accepted child?

Yes, he is getting older, and yes, he is extremely smart. He is also extremely, EXTREMELY sensitive to other’s emotions and if you don’t give a fuck he’s gonna know it, and he’s gonna internalize it until he feels like he’s analyzed the shit out of himself and where he went wrong to not be worth you giving a damn. He’s done it, over and over again. Like the summer he kept having panic attacks and I found out later it was because his dad had told him he was going to propose to his then girlfriend, now wife. I don’t know how ChaosMonkey reacted at his dad’s but when I tracked the time back, it coincided with the worst panic attack he’d had during that time which had occurred within 30 minutes of him getting home from his dad’s. And his dad has the NERVE to say that he won’t help with any counseling fees because they must be resulting from MY family? Really? It was terrifying, he was out of control, and could have really hurt his then baby sister.

This summer has basically been one big “you don’t matter” message to ChaosMonkey from his dad and it’s like his dad is trying to pull us into said message with these stupid games he’s playing. I have told ChaosMonkey that certain discussions are to be had between the adults, like scheduling, because they can be so complex. I have told him I will do my best to take care of things, he doesn’t have to worry about it, enjoy being a kid, and his dad pulls this crap.

Rants Are Not Enough

I gave a little rant a while back in regards to dealing with TheEx and the last few days have been jam-packed with some wonderful experiences but also many experiences of dealing with him.

Father’s Day seems to be THE lose-lose of all days and holidays combined for my poor ChaosMonkey. Father’s Day after Father’s Day it’s been, “I can’t I have THIS to do”, or “SOMEONE’S gonna pick him up and watch him because I’m too busy with this”, or etcetera so on and so forth all down the line.

It’s all so messed up and trigger happy right now. I swear, no matter what I do or say if it isn’t what he wants then he just “pa-shews” right off the handle.

Visitation is a sensitive issue, I get that, and we’re both sensitized to it all, but… Gah.

If we don’t have the funds to make the drive, we don’t. My husband went behind my back to get a loan from a “company” that is essentially a legal loan shark. I could have killed him! But it was more important to him to help me keep my word in regards to getting ChaosMonkey where we agreed he would be and when. And then we’re there, when and where we’re supposed to be, and TheEx didn’t show up, didn’t respond to my texts, and with how things have been I wasn’t about to have undocumented communication with the… “man” (and I use the term loosely, like his freaking pants that he can’t seem to keep on).

His recollection of past events is so backwards… He has totally inverse the situation in his head. Whether he’s lying to save face or is just that delusional, I don’t know. But I do know he is the type to buy into his own bullshit. I’m half tempted to post the email chain just so that all his BS is “out there”. Some feeling of “here’s how he really is, world” without making his wife feel like she/her marriage is being attacked.

So far, I kind of like his wife, we get along well and have similar interests and really seem to hit it off when we see each other. Though TheEx claims I antagonize him at every pick up/drop off which I find totally bogus as my interaction with him are short and polite. He’s got skin like jell-o at this point, it seems. Gah…

Ohana

Ohana means family. Ohana means no one gets left behind or forgotten.

-Lilo and Stitch


Dear Daughter,

I don’t need to know you to miss you. We have never met and, given the way things have gone, we may never. I hope that one day you will come to realize how very loved you were and are by those you’ve never met. We think of you constantly, we pray for you daily, we wish you nothing but wonderful things in your life.

Your pictures hang on the wall with all our others, though we have few and they are far between. They were not given easily, but that has only made them more precious to us.

Your other older brother wonders what you’re like and if you’ll like camping in Yosemite as much as he does. Your younger sister adores you and makes up stories of the things you’ll do together one day. Your younger brother is still a toddler, but I’m sure he’ll love you just as much as your other two siblings.

Your father misses you. He misses you more than words can say, more than he can say. He hopes against hope that you are well and happy, even if it is without him. He has been turned away from you time and time again, and that is a rejection that tears down into a soul’s core and burns till all that’s left is pain and a ghostly memory, as a dream of a dream, of what might have been.

I pray for you. Your siblings, your father, and I pick out little baubles to send you in the mail. Something that is now bittersweet as your mother has made it clear she discourages you from knowing or connecting with our side of the family. Your older brother understands what that’s like, I’m afraid, as he has experienced such parental alienation while in places besides our home. I cannot understand why a parent, especially a mother, would be so cruel. Perhaps it is something you will have an innocent enough heart not to understand either… but again, that is a hope against hope.

I’ve wondered if you might show up on our door one day, out of the blue. I’ve imagined what it would be like, how you might look (though you’ve always been beautiful). I would want to hug you, without a doubt, but I would probably hesitate or hold back for fear of intimating too much too quickly. We can be an intense family in many ways.

In closing this letter that you are practically guaranteed never to see, know that you are loved; whether it is from across the continent or the world. Wherever this letter finds you, it is sent with love and I hope it is received with it as well.

Love Always,

Your Other Mother