Can I Give You Family For Christmas?

My husband is back by where his ex and his first daughter are. Originally we had thought he wouldn’t be able to come home for my birthday or Christmas. Turns out, we had been wrong and he had been allotted two weeks of time off for the holidays. He started taking measures to come home, spoke of surprising the kids, spun some fanciful tales of bringing his daughter home with him for Christmas so we could ALL finally meet her, not just him. They were just daydreams we spun out, laughed over, and secretly wished were realistic.

When he emailed his ex… he got the typical “Of course you can see her, oh, wait, no you can’t” song and dance he’s had every time he’s tried to meet her.

We talked. We sat in silence on the phone, each of us heartbroken in our own ways in the silence, weighing it down with all the tears we’ve shaded in the past and should know better than to shed now.

“Stay.”

It’s what broke the silence. It was the word that broke my heart and would break the hearts of my kids if or when I tell them the untold story of Christmas 2015.

“If there’s any chance you can finally meet her, you should stay.” This was a bit stronger, and felt with a sincere passion and stubbornness.

If I could have seen him, I know the way he would have looked at me; his eyes a bit more open, his shoulders tensed in surprise and apprehension as he waits to see if I’m going to break down crying.

“You should stay.” I said again.

“Okay. I’ll cancel my leave.”

One sentence… with years of heartbreak, trepidation, disappointment, hope, fear.

I couldn’t say “You both deserve this chance.” It felt too much like telling him to put one side of his family above the other. He’s made my son such a priority, how could I tell him to do any differently in regards to his own daughter?

I just hope that one day, they can both see this and realize I said what I said out of love for them both and in hopes that it would finally bring all facets of our family together into the beautiful jewel it is meant to be.

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Ba-Dump, Ba-Dump, Ba-Dump

It’s been another long day. BOB’s still having night terrors. It makes everything more difficult, health wise and emotionally, when I don’t sleep well. I kept thinking that once I had a good “bank account” of decent sleep I could work off of it if I had a rough night here or there. NOPE.

Today is leaving me a bit downhearted yet hopeful, just in different areas of my life.

I have another 7 day heart monitor on and, yep, still allergic to whatever adhesive they use. I was really nervous about it all morning but a swift kick in the ass from my amazing stepmom, which was exactly why I contacted her, helped put me at ease by getting me out of my own head. I’m starting to recognize that downward-spiral starting more and more. Whether it’s the seizure medication or the heart medication or what, who knows at this point, but something is helping. Hopefully, once all this “trouble-shooting” is over we’ll know what the root of the issue is. My biggest concern is if/how degenerative the issue may be and if it might be genetic/given to my children.

Another difficult part of the last day and a half, specifically, was the “typical” physical and emotional detoxing ChaosMonkey does when he gets home from his dad’s. Today, it was a bad attitude, negative comment, or straight up mean/overly physical response to everything. After stepping way out of bounds when we got home we had a swift and serious discussion about what his issue was and how, given when and how often it has been occurring, what he, myself, or we needed to do to help him. He is hesitant to do anything progressive… given the range of emotions that went over his face, however, he knows what he doesn’t want to discuss and/or face and, obviously, doesn’t want to discuss and/or face. *Sigh* It’s that “you can lead a horse to water” thing all over again.

On the upside, after speaking with the Hubby, it sounds like the guys he’s under have no idea what they’re doing in relation to time off for Christmas. He might have the opportunity to come home for Christmas! Yay! His mom might even be willing to help fly him home so we could actually spend it with him.

Today is One of Those Some Days

Singing Through The Rain Picture Courtesy of WWW.SingingThroughTheRain.Net

 

Some days are hard. Then some are harder.

Today is a hard day; a cry yourself to sleep smelling his pillow, feed the kids fruit and goldfish for dinner, and eat chocolates in front of the television day. Not that I’d let myself do… all… of those things… at once…

I married a military man. To put it simply, I am the contracted mistress and breed mare to a man first and foremost married to his country. I do not mean to minimize the importance of this role. It is, in fact, my honor to hold such a title as Military Spouse.

When he is gone, one of the best parts of our family is missing. There’s something about the way our family works that holds with the idea of a family tree. The underlying strength he supplies us all with, the nourishment and shielding I add to that strength, our children who blossom and grow into fruits that will sooner or later fall away from us to either thrive or whither on their own.

There is something about the good memories that bring my heart, trembling, to it’s shattering point only to pour molten tears down onto it, welding it back together stronger than it was before. I may not feel that strength, and it takes time to heal, but with proper care and loving intentions, I’ll come to see it for what it was and is.

My family is broken, but it is those broken pieces that are spread over land, air, and sea protecting this nation.

Please, keep that in mind. Please, do not dishonor the sacrifice my family, my children, are making for you to be free. Please, strive to behave in a way that says “thank you” instead of “fuck you” this holiday season, or any other season.