Give Him Back

My cousin decided last night that he is now a girl. I feel like he was murdered by himself. I am oscillating between shock and this deep set heartache that I’ve lost one of my best friends. Which is silly, really, because I lost him probably a decade or so ago when he started down very self destructive path.

He shared a picture of himself in a dress and make up and he was so ugly, not because of the cross dressing or the emotionally-shaded glasses I’m seeing through right now. He was ugly because of the self inflicted damage I saw. The emaciation… the kind that pulls the skin too tight across the bones because there’s nothing underneath it, like when you pull a hide tight for tanning.

I’m just at a loss right now.

I’m heart broken.

He has been killing himself for so long… I look at him and I listen to what comes out of his mouth and it’s like he’s been skinning the cousin I grew up with away a bit more everywhere to the point where, here we are, there’s nothing left of him so the body has to be someone else’s. He’s gone, someone else has stepped into his place. And they are a miserable, manipulative, self destructive Narcissist. This last decision isn’t a decision, it’s a poor excuse for an obituary.

I want to scream and cry and be angry but I can’t be angry because I’m too broken hearted to muster the energy.

I just want my cousin back. The one I grew up with. The one who was honest and kind, who felt things just as keenly as I did and we made it okay for each other in a world and a family where being hypersensitive meant you needed to toughen up, grow up. We were kindred spirits and now… he’s worse than gone. It’s like he’s choosing this kind of living death where I, at least, won’t be able to find closure because he’s chosen to be gone but he’s not gone.

I just want my cousin back.

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