I’ve realized a few things this week…
- I don’t spend as much time with friends who knew me before my fibro “fully activated,” not just because they don’t understand how I could be so different but because of the constant reminder they are of how I used to be.
- I am afraid to make plans or plan for more than one event in a day because I don’t know how exhausted I’ll be.
- At this point, I blame myself for not being the parent I want to be more than the kids hold it against me. Something about the wisdom of children…
- Things with my husband are difficult because, in lots of ways, he blames not just me for being sick, but also himself for not being able to “make me better”.
- Every time something goes wrong, I have kind of a catastrophic response. Not because it feels like this “one more” thing is the end of the world but because every one more thing feels like the end of the world. It’s not just the culmination of everything but the individual things feel big, too. It didn’t use to be this way.
- My initial reaction since I was a child was to believe that it was my fault, even if it was something beyond my control. This has had me adding so much more stress to my life than there really should be. It’s not just a boundaries issue but a self-expectation issue, too.
- I’ve always been idealistic, not accepting things as they are but striving for things to be as they should be. While this is healthy, to a degree, it also ties in with unrealistic self-expectations. I can’t keep expecting myself to do what I used to be able to do, I need to accept what I can do now and gently, gently, work towards improving upon that and not stop trying to get back to what I used to be. You can’t progress backward.
- I need to reach out to people who understand my situation. For those who are family and don’t understand I need to stop running from them so much and try, I don’t know, giving them a pamphlet or something to help them understand. The best thing would be to let them see how it affects me, but only those with an open mind would understand that way. The pain, the exhaustion, so much of it is invisible, but I need to try to help those that want to understand.