Had a rough night. I’ve been running along that knife edge of “okay” and “panic attack” the last few days after the kids and I having been sick the last three weeks. There’s been a lot of bad news this past week and it finally broke me down tonight, full on bawling mode. I’m feeling a little calmer now, I suppose, but it’s hard to watch things going the way they’re going and not be able to physically contribute financially.
I’m just so glad today is over right now. I could not take one more thing going wrong or getting one more piece of bad news today. At least, not without bawling again and that just burns. Literally, my tears burn my skin. Yay auto-immune crap…
The good news is my eldest FINALLY seems to be on the mend.Once we got him started on antibiotics he started coughing up brown and green phlegm even though the doc said his lungs were clear, so…. it seems the antibiotics are clearing his lungs anyways, I guess? It takes a lot to get him down and admit he’s sick so I am so glad he’s feeling better.
Saw the rheumatologist again yesterday, that’s a doctor’s office I always enter with trepidation, it was hopefully good news and the results will hopefully not have ridiculous side effects like the last time.
I cried through another counseling appointment today, too. I guess I finally connected the dots on why this diagnosis/existence has been so hard for me to come to terms with. Anyone who has heard about my past knows there is a lot of heartache between my mother and I. Well, the mother she chose to be is the mother I feel like my body is forcing me to be and every mental and spiritual fiber of my being has been bucking this new existence of mine as unacceptable because of that, until now, subconscious correlation. I didn’t even realize it until several hours after it had come out of my mouth and then… there it was, it all suddenly made so much sense.
The counselor made a great analogy about my mind and my emotions. I’m like a kitchen sink. When you stack too many dishes in the sink you can’t run any water to get things clean without it spilling out all over. My emotions are the water and the dishes are all of the things I am having to deal with in my life. Dishes… of course, DISHES would make utter sense in my head. It’s a sad sort of hilarity.
Overall it really was a pretty good day. It was just the compounding of bad news and typical life crap that hit all at once right at the end of it. As determined as my kids are to send me to an early grave, I love them and can’t wait to look back and laugh at their antics one day. Like their father was laughing about them tonight from way far away.
I’m going to be okay. I know that. It’s hard to believe it sometimes, but I will be. I pushed myself my whole life so that I would be enough, so that “it” (whatever it was) wouldn’t be my fault so that I would always be the best me I could be and always keep improving upon myself to be better. My body seems to be telling me I pushed too far for too long.
Battle fatigue, I suppose. Yeah, that’s what I’ll call it. That sounds so much more valiant than what the doctors call it all.
I’m not sick, I’m recovering from battle.
Yeah, I like that better.