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Give Him Back

My cousin decided last night that he is now a girl. I feel like he was murdered by himself. I am oscillating between shock and this deep set heartache that I’ve lost one of my best friends. Which is silly, really, because I lost him probably a decade or so ago when he started down very self destructive path.

He shared a picture of himself in a dress and make up and he was so ugly, not because of the cross dressing or the emotionally-shaded glasses I’m seeing through right now. He was ugly because of the self inflicted damage I saw. The emaciation… the kind that pulls the skin too tight across the bones because there’s nothing underneath it, like when you pull a hide tight for tanning.

I’m just at a loss right now.

I’m heart broken.

He has been killing himself for so long… I look at him and I listen to what comes out of his mouth and it’s like he’s been skinning the cousin I grew up with away a bit more everywhere to the point where, here we are, there’s nothing left of him so the body has to be someone else’s. He’s gone, someone else has stepped into his place. And they are a miserable, manipulative, self destructive Narcissist. This last decision isn’t a decision, it’s a poor excuse for an obituary.

I want to scream and cry and be angry but I can’t be angry because I’m too broken hearted to muster the energy.

I just want my cousin back. The one I grew up with. The one who was honest and kind, who felt things just as keenly as I did and we made it okay for each other in a world and a family where being hypersensitive meant you needed to toughen up, grow up. We were kindred spirits and now… he’s worse than gone. It’s like he’s choosing this kind of living death where I, at least, won’t be able to find closure because he’s chosen to be gone but he’s not gone.

I just want my cousin back.

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10 thoughts on “Give Him Back

  1. What a hard thing to be going through for you bot! It’s always such a loss when relationships grow apart and when we watch as our loved ones suffer. The thing is, he may now be different in the face of the pain and challenges he is facing in his life, whatever the cause may be, but he is still the same person. He has revealed aspects of himself that were unknown and are hard for you as someone who loves him, to look at. But is he reaching out for help? Would he accept help and support from you? What parts of him can you still appreciate and focus on in order to bridge the divide in your mind between who he was and who he is now? I’m sorry for your suffering and sadness and wish you the very best as you navigate these waters.

    • That’s the thing though, he isn’t the same person, and it’s not just because of this out-of-blue decision that he’s suddenly female.

      Every decision that he has made over the last decade has been a step away from the person I had known. This “announcement” is simply a culmination of those choices. Choice A + Choice B + Choice Infinite all down the line = “I’m a Girl” (because I can’t stand who I am).

      He and I were inseparable because our personalities were so similar. We feel everything so deeply, we were intrinsically empathic and driven to help others. If I weren’t afraid someone would misinterpret my meaning, I would say we knew each other intimately simply because of how deeply we knew each other and understood each other without a word having to be said.

      His entire family, everyone from his parents and siblings to friends and extended family like myself, have urged him to seek help for certain psychological issues, because God knows if you bring up the drugs he swears there’s no harm in what he’s doing.

      Nothing from the boy I knew is left. He has chosen to be a mean spirited Narcissist instead of the kind spirit he once was. Like I said, this was just one more nail in the coffin he’s been building himself. And I am so sad to see that he’s gone.

    • You are always such a ray of light in my life, Slmret! Thank you. I have done a lot of crying these last few days. We all “knew” he wasn’t going to be pulling himself back together but we HOPED that he’d be willing to finally get some help. He has abused everyone in his family, used them, lied to them, and I found out this morning he attacked his youngest brother for who even knows what his drug addled brain had thought.

      My aunt and uncle have tried and tried to show him how much they love him and all I can hope to do is continue following their example to show and not tell my family the love I have for them.

      • Keep in mind that it’s not your problem, and that it’s not really even your cousin making these decisions so much as it is the drugs! Of course it’s important to show your family the love you have for them — but is there a reason not to tell them as well? I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of your own issues Much love and hugs!!!

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