2016 Resolutions

The holidays have been kind of a mixed bag for me, as I’m sure they are for anyone over The Age of Believing, as it were.

Seeing family makes me a bit anxious, especially my husband’s family, but I had thought we were to a point where things were better, where I had been accepted by almost everyone…

In dealing with the drama, the disrespect of boundaries and the family rules my husband and I have agreed on, the lies, and all down the line… And my husband speaking with his family, it was made clear to us both that I am not accepted and will never be accepted as I am not family by blood. Guess they wanted him to marry a cousin, lol.

I’ve never been one for New Year’s Resolutions. Resolutions, yes, I just never saw a point in waiting for the New Year to start them or what have you.

Given the timing of all this, it’s kind of funny that these things have naturally fallen into this particular day.

These are my Resolutions that will begin January 1 of 2016;

I resolve to treat those who have mistreated me with the same cordial decency I always have.

With that being said, I am also resolving to never believe in their manipulative, misleading behavior.

I resolve to never take them at their word. I resolve to have any and all plans that might be made confirmed in writing.

I resolve to expose my children to them as little as possible given the fact that they have shown themselves to be toxic as both individuals and a unit.


Beautiful Drug

The first time I heard this song on the radio was a very difficult day for me. It had me balling while I thought “I wish someone thought of me that way”.
My Gunner and I have been under so, so much stress the last few years and, with the end in sight, we are teetering on that edge of anticipation and just having no had enough.
Today, my husband sent me a text saying “There is a new song in iTunes. Beautiful drug. Check it out. Heard in n thought of you n I. So well explained.”

I am terrible with songs and their names and didn’t even recognize the first few lines. Then it hit me, and I started crying all over again.

Marriage is a struggle. Life is a struggle. Sometimes you’re tired and can’t imagine getting back up… And then someone gives you the strength, in some small way, to push yourself back up again.
My husband is my strength, inspiration, and anchor on so many levels and so are my kids. We fight with and for one another. We are drawn together to reach out and grow into the world as the unique, one of a kind souls that we are.

Beautiful Drug

Brain Babble

It’s been a rough week. I can’t lie about that but I certainly want to.

Multiple issues Sunday and Monday, a couple this morning. Perhaps one of the most disheartening realizations was the fact that, even though I knew I shouldn’t go on rollercoasters, I will never be on another one as long as I’m alive and  “healthy”. I tried swinging next to my daughter. Swinging, you know, on a swing set? My favorite part as a kid was always that arc right before you got too high and the sing started jumping. I didn’t even make it to that part before “something” happened and I almost fell out of the swing. No swings for me. No rollercoasters. That family trip to Six Flags my husband and I have been planning for when the kids got older just got thrown out the window.

But, hey, even just typing about it I started to get upset and get a little dizzy, but that could just be my medication kicking in.

My husband met his daughter, finally, after being denied for so long by her mother! From what my husband relayed to me and from what I saw myself on her social media stuff… my husband was right in that he made quite a positive impression on both his daughter and her soon-to-be-stepdad. He made enough of an impression on the latter that it has caused his ex some second thoughts in regards to whether or not she wants to indeed marry her third child’s baby-daddy. Interesting creatures, people.

I need to go in to my neurologist, the twitches in my hand keep getting worse. I don’t know if it’s related or not but I am forgetting and mixing up words I shouldn’t be. I can’t help but feel like I started going downhill super fast in one way once the medication was started for something else. What if the seizures are an allergic reaction to the medication? What if I’m not as sick as she thinks or it’s not what she thinks? I’m being hopeful, I’m trying not to be naive, I’m trying to ask questions so I don’t end up like a vegetable for the rest of my kids’ childhoods.

There’s so much in my head, but I am so tired. My sleep has not been restful at all the last few weeks. or maybe just two weeks, I’ve lost count. It’s my body, adapting to the medication.

Even now, I can feel the fire in my hands under my skin has returned. It makes me want to take an ice bath, and I hate the cold, normally the cold hurts. Ah, well,  life goes on.

Hopefully, I’ll be sitting down with my son’s principal tomorrow to discuss why the hell she let a child get away with punching my son in the eye. Accident, my ass. An accident wouldn’t have landed a fist in his eye, instinctually your hands are open when you fall. Just freaking common sense.

I have found myself missing my fellow writers as of late, the ones I used to meet with, and the community of bloggers I was with before I was here. Things keep changing, eh?

A Darker Holiday

Holidays can be so happy and they can be so difficult and, usual, they’re both at once.

The happier of my Christmases have been spent with my husband and child(ren). This year is shaping up to have some long distance stresses and some short distance joys.

I’m still finding myself in a slightly darker mood than usual. I suppose I’m just filtering, lol. Ever have a phase like that?

Literary Lion Writing Prompt: Fall

Another belated attempt for the Literary Lion’s writing prompts. In 400 words or less here is my work for Fall.


Falling For Heroism

There it was again–the pull of a world that had shifted and fallen apart beneath his feat, the cost of heroism that everyone romanticizes with pretty nurses and massages the lead to happy endings.

He pushed back up, the pain blurring his eyes with tears as he fought back against the pain and failure lurking behind his efforts.

He had been trained for worse than this, to withstand the elements, torture, full and complete abandonment by humanity. How was it that standing seemed so insurmountable?

The pull back down to  shattered futures brought him crashing down again. He pushed up onto an elbow and panted, sweat trickling down his forehead and washed out of his eyes, dripping to the floor as a singular drop of dreams and toxins.

His buddies had hauled him up, had impeded their progress with their field kit turnikits and slung him upon their shoulders. They’d have dragged him between them if his body had reached to the ground.

He’d found the device by stepping on it if memory served. They told him thank you for his selflessness, for yelling to stay back as he jerked his head out of his helmet and slammed it down, falling on it as if his desire to save those behind him was weight enough to contain the explosion.

He’d saved his lives and lost his legs… some other parts, too.

He reached up to the parallel bars, with one arm and then the other, granting with the effort and exhaustion.

He would not let that fall nor this one define him.

Words: 263