One of the most thoughtful things my husband has ever said to me was that sex was an extension of conversation. It was such an intrinsic view on it and I loved that, despite the many things my husband is not, he proved thoughtful on this subject. I’ve referenced this quote from him more than once. It was a moment I go back to quite often when we’re having marital issues.
After about a week of not really speaking to each other, we finally had an argument. A throw it all out in the open argument. Frankly, he wasn’t getting laid and didn’t like it whereas I was not being spoken to and didn’t like it. If sex was an extension of conversation, like he had said it was, why would he expect to get laid when there was no conversation taking place?
It was a true argument to form, which we haven’t done for a while. Usually, we discuss and not argue, but usually it doesn’t feel like things get resolved as well as they were after this.
When we were done arguing I loaded the kids up and left him to himself for a few hours.
When we came home I focused on the kids and gave him as much space as you can give someone you live with.
He came the next day after work.
“Remember how you said you’d said sex was an extension of conversation?”
“No,” I responded with one of those if looks cold kill glares, “you said that, to me, shortly after I moved in.”
He had thrown it out there like he was testing me, like he was trying to make sure he had indeed been the one to say it. He didn’t remember telling me something I held so dear.
The conversation progressed. I told him how lonely I’d been feeling, how he kept withdrawing farther and farther into a grumpy, mean, insulting version of himself. We talked about how yes, the house has been a mess because I have been unable to keep up with it. That lead us to the stresses in regards to finances and health we’ve been dealing with. The conversation came to a close on a good note, not an exact plan for resolution but at least an idea of one.
“We still need more time to be together.” He said, hugging me.
“I know.” I nodded.
And things have been better. He makes an effort to say “I love you’s” again, to kiss me when he comes home, to let me know he enjoys being with me and not just… being… with… me.
We’ve lost ourselves amidst all the stresses and we’re just trying to find ourselves and each other again. Our kids have been such an anchor amidst it all. There have been so many days where being a parent was the only thing we seemed to know how to be anymore, and as parents we are a team, and that has been a solidifying factor during all the fractures we’ve been suffering.
It was good to come together and be on the same page again. For us both to realize that we still both wanted to be with the other despite all the seismic emotional activity.