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Making Amends with Myself

I’ve been dealing with a barrage of recents scans and tests, nothing new there. What is new is with my mom. She’s got skin cancer again. this isn’t the kind the replace your face with skin from you rear end kind, this is the “it’s grown into a bunch of vital systems” kind.

While I do not consider my mother the most stable person in the world and would not leave her alone with my kids for all the money in the world, but she is still my mom and she is most likely looking at a pretty awful downward spiral. We should know more next week and I’m trying not to think about it too much, but I’ve still cried a good amount the last two nights.

There’s a lot of unresolved stuff between my mother and I, a lot of stuff that will never be resolved because she has straight up changed how events went down in her head and refuses to be honest about… a lot.

I’ve been working a long time with trying to give myself closure in places I know it won’t be co-created, like with my mother. It continues to be an ongoing process, a horrendously frustrating and depressing process.

There’s a lot I battle with inside my head on a daily basis. My neurologist keeps asking over and over again if I’m depressed. No, I am not depressed. Yes, it is something I struggle against. I don’t see them as the same thing. I’ve been depressed, I’ve been to that point where I’m broken and can’t string a sentence together and I am far, far from that. I’m not going to give some cop out, easy answer so she can give me what will be one more pill in my arsenal of encapsulated medications.

My mother has been on and off medications for depression just about as long as I’ve known her, I don’t want to be that, I don’t want to be crazy and unpredictable and scary like she was. I’m going to be myself, fight for myself.

My mother’s scenario has me at an encompass; she has alienated all of her children except for the 16 yr old still living with her who should not have to be her caretaker. Part of me thinks I should go up and help take care of her and part of me knows that would be a really bad personality situation.

It’s like everything with my mother is a lose-lose situation.

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