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Me And Emily – Rachel Proctor

Mere weeks before ChaosMonkey was born, this song was introduced to me. It hit me hard then yet it hits me so much harder now…

“An’ gets her little mind a-wonderin’
“Where’s my Daddy? Do I have one?
“Does he not love me like you do?”
Oh, maybe I’ll find someone to love the both of us,
An’ I’ll tell her when she’s old enough to know the truth.”

ChaosMonkey has risen similar questions for so many years now and I have tried to answer honestly yet kindly. I tell him that when he’s older I can tell him more and he’ll understand more. But this last bout with his biological donor has been just one clusterfuck after another, claiming an entirely different set of issues during that turbulent time than what I saw.

I’ll never forget when I was asked if ‘this’ was what I wanted my son growing up to see as what a man should ASPIRE to. I had to answer no. The counselor was gentle with me though. He offered to pose the relationship turning/destroying question for me… I waited in that room still as a stone, bot even daring to take a breath in to hold while ChaosMonkey’s dad sat down.. The counselor asked, straight up, no punches pulled and utterly matter of factly, if Jay would be willing to quit sleeping with and having sexual relations and discourse with other women for the sake of a marriage to me and raising our son. He said no. I was totally crushed, and there was this gelatinous darkness sucking me into a greater darkness but so that my son and I could be born anew within the dawn.

That first true sunrise where all the chains felt like they’d been released and I could slide under a ray of sunshine as nonchalantly as a leaf sashays down into your walkway. I felt so happy I was broken… No, no, I was so broken that it had refilled and formed my broken heart and the happiness was pressing the pieces outward as my heart, itself, actually grew and connected with each and every born little piece, holding it firmly where it should have been all along and underwent some kilning of the variety only another broken heart can create and provide.

Me And Emily – Rachel Proctor

Floorboard’s filled with baby toys, an’ empty coke
bottles an’ cofee cups
Drivin’ through the rain with no radio,
Tryin’ not to wake her up.
Cell ‘phone says “low battery”,
God, what if I break down?
I’m just lookin’ for an exit with a lotta lights,
A safe little interstate town.

Just a cheap hotel,
With a single bed,
And cable TV
Is good enough for me an’ Emily.

Some day, when she’s old enough,
She’s gonna start askin’ questions about him.
Some kid at school brings his Dad for show an’ tell,
An’ gets her little mind a-wonderin’
“Where’s my Daddy? Do I have one?
“Does he not love me like you do?”
Oh, maybe I’ll find someone to love the both of us,
An’ I’ll tell her when she’s old enough to know the truth.

Will it break her heart?
Will she understand,
That I had to leave?
That’s what was best for me an’ Emily.

That house was never clean enough
his dinner never warm enough.
Nothing I did was ever good enough to make him happy.
So, I guess, he gave me what he thought I deserved,
But it would kill me if he ever raised his hand to her.

Big rigs are throwin’ rain on my windshield,
An’ I feel like they’re laughin’ at me.
Fin’lly the storm is lettin’ up,
An’ the mornin’ is breakin’ free.

It’s a brand new day,
It’s a second chance.
Yesterday is just a memory,
For me an’ Emily.
Ah.

Floorboard is filled with baby toys,
An’ empty coke bottles an’ coffee cups.
Least there’s one good thing that he gave me,
An’ she’s startin’ to wake up.

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