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Hardly Motherly

I’m having a harder and harder time with the “stepmother” thing.

Knowing that her mom is removing any trace of her father and I and the family relation of our kids to my stepdaughter from the packages we send is heartbreaking. I had wanted to send her something for Mother’s Day, you know, part of a necklace that fits together with a pendant for me and my girls, but we couldn’t do it financially and her mother probably would have just thrown it out anyways. I know it’s beyond my control and she’s not even “mine” and we’ve never even met and blah-be-blah but it still affects me.

I see how everything affects my husband and it makes me mad, I listen to my kids talk about her and ask when they’re going to meet her and it makes me sad, I put thought and care and effort into what we send her and it all feels for naught. Hubby’s pretty much detached himself emotionally in an attempt to keep himself from hurting, and I get that.I don’t seem able to do that.

My daughter is enthralled with the thought that she has a big sister somewhere and she thinks her big sister is going to be just as loving and accepting as ChaosMonkey is. Given what little I have heard about her/from her, she probably won’t be like that with ERM if we ever get to have her for a visit.

We’re really hoping to have her out this summer for a week or two but, knowing her mother, it’s not going to happen. We’d have to go back to court to have things re-worked and then wait for her to refuse to follow it and go through the whole contempt of court thing we’re doing with my ex and, frankly, I wouldn’t put it past her to run like she did when she was pregnant with Hubby’s daughter.

It’s such a fucked up world… and th longer I’m a parent the more fucked up it seems to be getting.

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