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A Mother’s Moments of Madness

There are so many things going through my head right now, per usual, and I am super exhausted, as per usual.

For one thing, I noticed my nails have this abnormal color pattern going on. Being the way I am I googled it (which does not replace getting actual medical advice, I just like to know in advance what I might be looking at) and after looking at the pictures and descriptions my nails are suggesting one or two things: malnutrition and/or liver issues. While I have always been an easy bruiser I have noticed a significant rise in the occurrence of unaccountable bruises since having BOB. I have had a considerably difficult time keeping my weight up to “healthy” parameters. Given these two coexisting problems becoming more severe in the last year and a half it makes me wonder if there’s an underlying problem they’re missing since the base doc is incredibly overworked and won’t refer labs out since there is a lab on base despite the fact that the lab is extremely limited in what they can/know to do. Downsizing sucks.

I also discovered this evening that my eldest has lice… again. This is twice within a six month period, I believe. We still had some lice shampoo and comb out gel from the last time so I treated him and spent over an hour combing lice nymphs out of his hair. Tons of baby lice and not a single adult or egg casing. WTF!?! How does a child have so many lice and no adults or egg casings? How did these tiny, transparent, six legged blood suckers all congregate on my son’s scalp like this? Poor ChaosMonkey’s pretty upset about it, too. I mean, really upset. It almost seemed like he was on the verge of an anxiety attack afterwards. .. and I don’t know why he would react like that.

Which brings me to my next thought… ChaosMonkey seems to be getting more and more anxious or tending toward anxiety. He’s only nine! But then again, I probably showed signs of anxiety at a very young age as well, given the stories I’ve heard. He’s done individual counseling but I really think we need some family counseling right now. I’m not saying my husband and I are bad parents or that we’re arguing all the time, because we’re not either of those. I’d say we have a very good marriage, we’ve overcome so many obstacles in our lives separately and together, we are communicating well as a couple, we try to adapt to the very different emotional needs of our three highly contrasted children, overall I’d say we kick ass pretty well. But… ChaosMonkey is still showing wear and tear he shouldn’t be. I understand that being a child from a split family is tough and being a child in a blended family can both help and hinder the healing of one’s parents splitting up, but he has so much more than that going on in his head and he is too smart and has figured out too much about the shit his dad is pulling and my poor kid’s just… smart enough to understand what’s going on and nowhere near able to emotionally grasp it, creating a stressful dichotomy in his compassionate, loving and wanting to be loved existence.

There was more, so much more, but I am so tired I think I’ve forgotten it.


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