My life. My LIFE. I swear, I’ve been saying it since I was in high school, a soap opera wouldn’t buy my story.
I have turned down my share of guys. I’m not gorgeous or funny or particularly anything spectacular but I have had the immense honor of knowing some very “nice” guys, some very fun/troublesome guys, and even a small handful of bad boys. And they were all amazing friends. I never really saw them as much else; I grew up a tomboy and was always “one of the guys” and so guy attention wasn’t anything special because I was always around them. In hindsight over a decade later I get the reason why girls who desired romantic male attention found this… frustrating. At the time, I was totally clueless, and continued to be for years.
Honestly, I still don’t know what warranted their attention. I clean up pretty nice but I’m just an ordinary me. I’m okay with that, though, because I don’t believe ordinary actually exists, merely unappreciated.
Last night, one of my male friends and I were talking about things past, present, and future. We hadn’t spoken for probably a good two years, most of my friendships are like that. Maybe it’s an introvert thing, going long spans of time between conversations. I find my social life to be similar to a pulsar in nature, it varies between on fire and nearly dead. I’m okay with that most of the time. Anyways…
Just as I have been friends with primarily males, he has been friends with primarily females, only he has not had the romantic luck with his that I have “had” with mine (I did not actually consider it lucky at the time nor am I sure I do now). This guy is a wonderful “nice guy” example, and I would hypothetically be one of those many females who turned him down because he was “just a friend”.
I can’t speak for any of the other women but in my younger years I tended toward the more aggressive types because I was unsure of myself or what to do with my life, so the decisiveness was refreshing. They were normally total jerks to be around, but I chose the fun jerks… for a while.
From my own life and the observations I’ve made, it’s a trend.Women seek out those characteristics they find, at least temporarily, beyond the reach of their own personalities or those traits which challenge their own personalities to expand in the desired direction(s). Hence why “damsels in distress” are drawn to befriend the “nice guys” and date the “bad boys” (way too many quotation marks in this sentence, I know). They need the emotional, physical, and psychological kindnesses and reassurances these males give while craving the power, independence, freedom, strength, etcetera that the other side of the spectrum seems to exhibit. I’m not sure why they are drawn to the one more than the other except perhaps that pain is appreciated more keenly than pleasure more often than not. Damaged attracts damaged, so to speak, as it is all they know and are afraid to venture into the unknown realm of “healthy” because they cannot predict what will or is supposed to happen. Their patterns are entirely skewed with a certain ensnaring degredation. They feel like anything else is beyond them despite their craving for those traits that would seemingly allow them to achieve it.
Men are protectors and providers by nature. They are the body whereas women are the heart and in a perfect world they would come together and be as of one mind. When that nature is twisted, and it must be twisted as one’s morality does not simply go awry by chance within the singularity of a moment, these amazing creatures become monsters. The kind ones are misunderstood as weaker because they do not display their strength. They are seen as less willing to protect because, as a wounded animal, a wounded woman sees threats that aren’t there but still desires to be protected from them and, as such, holds unreasonable expectations of how a protector should behave. As for providing, how can one have a healthy view of what should be provided if one does not even know what they should be protected from. Again, unreasonable expectations arise whether they are over or under what is healthy.
Women who do not know what is healthy seem to almost always shy away from it, or so it seems. I find it a curious maze to wander through, myself, to watch as those around me are lost. I have been there and see more of the map then I used to, not because I have the answers but because I have walked those very halls enough times to recognize them. I recognize the walls, the look in the eyes, the flinches you try to hide or laugh away.
Keep in mind that I am not saying women are helpless or shouldn’t be in the workforce or that I’m anti-feminist, etcetera. Men and women are wired differently, that is a fact. A fact. Indisputable. Not my opinion and these are merely my opinions as I think “out-loud” on these matters.
I did not fall for a bad boy, I fell for someone I thought was one of the nice ones. It turned out that he was just as abusive as what I had experienced previously, if not more so, but it was in a manner I was unaccustomed to and therefore did not recognize as abuse. He may be a step up above deplorable, may be. Sometimes, I think I would have been better off falling for one of the “bad boys” during that period of my life as I would have understood what abuse I was dealing or not dealing with, but I tried to make good choices, I really did. In looking back and surveying his behavior over the years I realize he knew exactly what he was doing. He wasn’t a nice guy, or a bad boy, he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He played the part to take what he wanted from someone he believed was too weak to break from him. Then he tried to punish me when I found happiness away from him, like his type does. And I pity him for it, if pity is even the right word.