a caress of warm nothingness
in a quiet so loud–
heard is nothing else
all senses entrapped
cocooned in this happiness

a seam pops
so quiet
yet echoes
against the silence

a crack creaks
slow and slight
grating against
the stillness

a searing tear
quick and deep
screams throughout
amid sudden distance

the cold pushes and wetness pelts
a universe of sounds– calamity
all laid bare for all to witness
assaulted by fatal caresses
life has begun, dreams have ended


Giving and Getting Daughters

Life is a constant mishmash of extremes for me. I am finding out more anymore how my biology has played a role in that. Evidently certain hypersensitivities go hand in hand with one or two of my health issues.  While being an emotional supernova-blck hole combo is stressful and weird and can make me a pain to be around, it has been an amazing life; I’ve picked up on t things other people didn’t seem to notice and had a few of those “are you psychic” looks that totally make it all worthwhile, lol.

There has been something weighing on my mind that just won’t let up, okay, a few things but two in particular and the one more so than the other.

My stepdaughter (let’s call her Princess). My stepdaughter that I have no parental rights to, that I have never even met, that I haven’t really even spoken to. New Year’s Eve Hubby’s Ex, let’s call her… hmm…Narcissi… sure… So Hubby gets a text from Narcissa saying that the photo album we sent to Hubby’s daughter for Christmas has had his daughter really upset all week and requested we never send anything like that again. We had put some pictures of our family in to this album as well as a letter saying these were our memories we were sharing of the other side of her family and the rest of the album was for her memories so hopefully she could show and share them with us one day. According to her mother, Princess got really upset looking at the pictures saying that those people weren’t her family, Hubby wasn’t her daddy, etcetera so on and so forth. And then Narcissi throws in, by the way, I’ve been talking to Alysia about my fiancé adopting her but she’s hesitant about it so I haven’t pushed it. Princess is 7 years old. SEVEN. She should not be involved in that kind of a discussion at that age. There’s no way she has the emotional maturity to make that kind of decision, ESPECIALLY since she is obviously not aware of everything involved (like the fact that her father has done everything he possibly could to see her and or just talk to her over the phone or Skype and Narcissi has prevented every step of the way.

Hubby, being Hubby and no stranger to the adoption of step children as he and I have spoken about it regarding my eldest, shot back with: given the status of my non-relationship with Princess, go forward with the adoption. We’ve heard nothing back since.

Almost every care box we have sent Princess, for every major holiday and every birthday, I have helped put together. I have made her gifts. I Have put thought and heart into every box and every card. I feel emotionally invested. I have shared every scrap of news we have gotten about her with our kids in the hopes that when/if we ever do get to see her they won’t feel like complete and utter strangers. Since tracking down how to get a school photo ourselves since her mother withheld all such info, and receiving said portrait, ERM (Hubby and I’s daughter) has been super excited about having a sister and keeps talking about seeing her sister. This has gone on for months without my encouragement. She’s just that excited about having a big sister. All this from a school photo that she saw once and I haven’t even hung up on the wall yet.

My husband isn’t just losing a daughter, we’re losing her to if he goes forward with this.

Then, this morning, something else hit me. We gave ERM “Sleeping Beauty” for Christmas… As I’m sure we all know the main character’s name is Aurora (Briar Rose). It hit me like a bag of rocks that “our next little girl” Hubby wanted to name Aurora was never going to happen. I get that there was no guarantee we’d have a little girl names Aurora. I really do. It was that my body really shouldn’t go through pregnancy again, that for that reason Hubby got fixed and we really will never have any more babies in the houses.

Since about the time BOB started walking, I’ve been having those “baby cravings” for another one, and I kept pushing it aside or cuddling with other women’s babies to “get a fix” and make the emotions ebb a bit. Even with all the chaos and our house always having laundry on the couch and dishes in the sink no matter how hard I try to keep up with things, I have really been wanting another baby, specifically another girl.

With everything with Hubby’s daughter going on it’s really been driving my subconscious crazy. I’ve been dreaming about having another daughter, the pregnancy, the baby, how she’d get along with the other kids. It’s not happening and it’s kind of killing me even though I know it’s for the best.

What’s making it worse is that I feel like I can’t talk to Hubby about it because he really wanted a full house of kids, literally, he wanted six kids as his ideal number. He gave that up for me. He gave up having more kids because my body is freaking trying to kill me and drive me crazy all at once. (My body and I have a very love/hate relationship going on)

It all just hit me this morning. All of it… When I saw the name Aurora.