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Burning the Candle at Both Ends

I’m feeling pretty disconnected. I am just so exhausted emotionally and physically that I am jarring with everything about my life it feels like. Consciously I am dealing with a huge amount of stress and subconsciously my mind is working itself into a frenzy, too, resulting in almost nightly nightmares about things that both could happen and would never happen. Last night I woke up from a nightmare where my husband was raping my daughter. This would NEVER happen, ever, never ever ever. Ever. I literally cannot stress how very much it would never happen and yet my mind… *shiver* gah. I keep having these nightmares. I’m wondering if the adrenaline from my little heart-scepades is fueling them. For whatever reason, I seem to have a little heart episode every morning around 5, in my sleep, which leads me to wake up with enough juice to swim The English Channel and leaves me totally exhausted about two hours later when it finally ebbs. I have too much in my head to get it all out and I have too many little people/things counting on me for me to take the time I need to start driveling it all out. BUT, here I am, trying to get at least a little bit of sanity into my head by pouring some of the insanity out while the kids are sleep (knowing full well that the dishes, laundry, clutter, etc. are still calling my name while staring burning holes of anger into the back of my skull from their applicable locations. I am taking care of everyone else when I’m awake, all the time, and I need me time because without it I am getting to the end of my rope and am losing my ability to function for everyone else in the capacities they need me to be. The last three days not only has my baby been a teething, separation anxiety cocktail of clinginess, but my brain has been telling me that whatever the reason may be for it needed what it needs, it still needs what it needs. So, here I am, making time… which I’ve already said… at least once… Mama needs  a break *sigh*. Even the reading gI do isn’t for myself anymore, I read for my kids, to my kids, for my relationship with my spouse, nothing just for me. Bad mommy. But when can I make time for that? On top of training a puppy, nonetheless? Garh… I’m so tired of always feeling sick and always feeling exhausted. I want answers. I want to feel like me again. I want to not wake up with joints burning and stiff and hurting. I don’t like being nauseous 24/7. I’ve never felt so weak and, just, breakable, in all my life. I want to be better! I want to be writing. And photographing. And playing with my kids. And sane. And happy. Happy would be nice, too. I am happy, or at least I kind of am, I know I should be. I love my family, every single member no matter how obnoxious, whiney, or self centered they can be. They are still wonderful people who are just being people. I miss them. I miss me. And I am tired of crying. I’ve been crying for almost 3 days now. Just started… while watching the painfully close to home “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”. I talked to another mom about it, as soon as she heard the title she was right there with me about it all. Funny how that works. Being a stay at home mom is HARD! REALLY HARD! And yet it feels like the most thankless, redundant, dead-end job I’ve ever had. And Even though my husband has told me what I do is important, when push comes to shove, though, he resorts to the “I’m the breadwinner so what I say goes” mentality. Things are a mess right now. I’m usually the calm one, the moderator, the mediator, the buffer zone, and I am losing my ability to do that because I am drained. So, here’s what little me time I can give myself to get me back on track to sanity, lol.

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