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Survival…?

 

Watching “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” and it hurts how much I can relate to the main character. It’s my kind of movie, what can I say? I have spent a lot of my life feeling that way, especially as an adult.

 

Do NOT misunderstand me; I love my family, my husband, my kids, the pets we’ve had, all of it, but “I have lost my identity amid the children’s laundry”, as I told a friend this past week.

 

I guess, I’ve been feeling like I’m starving. Physically I’m not exactly sick but I’m not exactly working properly either, just a few bugs with the engine. Creatively I feel like I’m dying of starvation, deprivation, with life hanging just out of reach. Stuck in the kind of place with that desperate kind of hope that keeps you stetting your limbs out of their sockets without any expectation of relief.

 

Just “getting it out of my head,” like I’m always telling my son, helps.

 

I guess, if I’m truly honest with myself, I feel like I got shortchanged as a kid. My dad was all about spending time with my older brother and my mom was all about spending time with my younger sister while I was kind of left floating in this void of annoying one or the other depending on who I was around. I’m sure my mom focused on me before my sister came along, but I don’t have too many memories of that. Classic middle child syndrome, I suppose. I never felt like they had the time or wanted me around… I either “was a girl”, “couldn’t keep up” or… just… wasn’t wanted around.

 

I kind of saw growing up and going to college as a way to escape not being wanted or being told they didn’t have time for me or what have you to branch out and do what made me happy so I could make myself happy by fulfilling my own needs. Only, that’s not how life panned out, and it wouldn’t have panned out that way even if I had been able to do exactly what it was I thought would allow me to do that. Psychologically speaking, I will probably always carry that need with me to some extent, and even though I get that, it still hurts.

 

I did have the opportunity to do some photos with my phone these last couple weeks, though. It was really nice. They were like a taste of something I couldn’t have, though.

 

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