For the first time ever TheEx is taking a week of vacation with ChaosMonkey, I’m sure the new marriage and keeping up appearances has nothing to do with that. After much discussion Hubby and I decided that the best thing for everyone involved was to letTheEx keep his two surrounding weeks of visitations around the vacation week so I now have this daunting three week period in August, right before school starts, where ChaosMonkey will be gone. I cried and cried and cried last night. It’s the longest we will ever have been away from each other and it’s killing me just thinking about it. Not to mention the fact that he is always so screwed up when he gets back from his dad’s. And I don’t just mean emotionally but his internal clock gets all turned around and he still comes home with people having forgotten to feed him (or so he tells me) and it’s just… ugh.

Was in at the doc with the rest of the family today, Hubby had to get his wrist looked at again (a ganglion cyst that won’t go away) and my eyes have some sort of infection going on, probably pink eye. We got in and out just fine but for the first time in my non-pregnant life I had high blood pressure. It was 165/60 on the machine. The tech and I decided that holding an active, curious baby who didn’t want to sit still was probably interfering with the readings. My blood pressure has always been really low despite a family history of high bp. Go figure. Yay for medical mystery madness that is I!

I’m just mind-dumping here, obviously. I’m having a rough time and the baby has been super teething and not really napping which makes grabbing some time for myself a bit harder, but I’m doing it when I can!

Hubby and I are hosting a 4th of July BBQ for some of his coworkers, any decoration suggestions for a small budget? I’m thinking streamers from the 99¢ Store if I can find them. Any other ideas? Totally looking for idea sharing and input here. My brain is fried.

British Farthing?

British Farthing?

So, my eldest lost a tooth last night all on his own. This is a BIG deal since we’ve had to pull the majority of his baby teeth out due to crowding of the teeth coming in. So, the Toothfairy gave him a very special coin from my great-grandmother’s old collection. Chaos Monkey’s doing doesn’t look nearly this clean, but this is what the coin is (we just discovered it this morning).

Why do I Expect Better?

Why do I continually a,low myself to be disappointed by my ex? Well, simple, that’s because I expect him to act like a decent human who actually cares about our son. That’s why.

Given the ongoing debacle that is Father’s Day in regards to my son’s “visitation” with his dad and how the poor kiddo has always either been cancelled on or just straight stood up, I shot TheEx an email asking for clarification.

“TheEx,

Do you plan on exercising your Father’s Day visitation this year?

-Me”

Clear and concise, unlike what I wanted to write which had an emotionally inflammatory “or stand him up again” tagged on the end.
His response?

“As the summer schedule is approaching, We should move towards a fuller understanding of that transition, and maybe have our first smooth transition in almost 8 years [Fun fact: we were still together 8 years ago, it was off and on, but we were together and I even lived with his folks for a time].

As always [ALWAYS. His other responsibilities ALWAYS restrict his time with Alexander, not the other way around. ChaosMonkey has never been put first, he is treated like that ugly sweater from grandma you only pull out at family get togethers so as to keep up  appearances. You know how much therapy that kid needed when he first started seeing his dad? It was horrendous!!], my graduation responsibilities at the University will restrict my flexibility on the weekend of the 14th, the Sunday of which I believe would be the first day of the summer week-long visits, and is of course, Father’s Day.

Regardless of the transition, I could not possibly exercise a 10am to 6pm

visit on the 15th. I am performing at an 8am graduation service in BlahBeBlah, and then have to be back to BlahBlah ASAP for duties at our graduation.

I could do a later pickup, the usual 4pm could probably be manageable. Would this be a ‘good’ way to start the summer schedule? It’s pointless and worthless for you OR me to do the drive for a 2 or maybe 3 hour visit….

Otherwise, the 21st would be my ‘regularly’ scheduled weekend, if the summer schedule has not yet started. Would it then be better to start the summer schedule on the 22nd as my week, and alternating from there? If so, would I still have the weekend of the 21st, so really this starts on Friday the 20th [so wrong…]?

I just want to understand your expectations for summer as a starting point, so we can move forward from there before finalizing any details about Father’s Day specifically. [Gah!]

Respectfully,
TheEx”

Now, I’ve had to come back and reread the email because the first time through I got so angry at his continued lack of regard for anyone else in the world besides himself. ChaosMonkey has never been a top priority for him; add that to the flat out incorrect facts in here (the 8 year comment, specifically) and I had to walk away from the email. Lying is a button for me and this guy is a chronic liar, how we stayed together 7 years is just one unhealthy concoction of stupidity, co-dependence, naivety and stubbornness on my part. He is unhealthy as an individual and it was unhealthy for us together and I was a lost little girl who just wanted to be loved.

There are quite a few things I want to say to this… person… at this point. None of which would probably be helpful, but I’m hoping if I get them out of my head it will at least help write a calm response back to him.

“Father’s Day visitation is a holiday visitation and has nothing to do with a regular weekend or regular summer visitation. Also, you are incorrect in that Father’s Day weekend is the beginning of summer vacation, which you would know if you bothered to look at ChaosMonkey’s shared visitation calendar I invited you to years ago OR looked at the school’s calendar, which I also sent you a link to way, way back when. Also, the Father’s Day time is 10AM to 7PM, not 10AM to 6PM, just so you know.

A “good” way to start ChaosMonkey’s summer would be for you to make him a priority and not an accessory. You don’t have days, times, anything right! How can you even pretend he’s a priority with this kind of blatant disregard for scheduling that has been THE SAME for the last several years.

Summer starts on Friday the 20th, not your visitation. As SUMMER starts on the 20th Alexander’s visitation with you starts the following Sunday at 3PM! READ YOUR DOCUMENTS!!!!!!!!!!

If you want to understand my expectations, read the court order, read the amendment you signed when we moved, heck, check out the school and or ChaosMonkey’s calendars to see WHAT HE IS SCHEDULED FOR!”

You know, I do feel better. The last two visitations ChaosMonkey had with his dad had tense pick ups and drop offs due to other lacks of communication regarding a schedule/schedule change. So, this was just kind of a “what, again?” Kind of thing.

Alexander needs better than this, and he has it with his stepdad. I love my husband beyond belief but ChaosMonkey will always feel something for his biological dad that isn’t there with Hubby. It’s a different connection. I wouldn’t say it’s stronger or weaker, but it’s DIFFERENT. And the poor kiddo needs some time with his dad until he is ready to face what you can tell he’s almost already decided subconsciously.  I hate to see my kiddo going through all this but at the same time I am glad he is getting to see that he has a choice about who he becomes. He sees the differences in lifestyles, heath, habits, and affection. I am hoping that, just as I decided no man was better than a bad man, that he will decide that being a better man is preferable to being like his dad.

Me time, me time, writing for me time… and I don’t know where to start.

Yesterday was a bad heart day. Not only did I have a little episode right after waking up, but it kept going even after taking my meds for a good 2 hours, so then I was exhausted all day, and then I woke up out of a dead sleep all shot up with adrenaline with my heart racing like crazy an hour or two after falling asleep that night. Literally, I woke up and sat bolt up right out of no where and was just conscious enough to be think “holy shit this doesn’t feel right” then I fell back down in bed and right back to sleep. What the heck? I’m thinking I might have to wean Blake now so we can do the meds switch the cardiologist was talking about. This is running me down like crazy which makes things harder on everyone. My family doesn’t need this! Aaaargh, stupid body with it’s stupid faulty wiring and stuff. Bad body… 

On the upside, my bubbly little boy is turning into quite the little walker, ERM is growing like crazy again and ChaosMonkey was just given  a Reading Award for having the most pages read, get this, in the school. Who’s a proud mama? THIS MAMA! He just took off once he found books he liked. I am so, so proud of him!

Also, I gave my youngest his first hair cut! Just a trim around the ears, I couldn’t take it anymore! Hair on the ears is just something that drives me batty.

Waiting on Insanity

Another day of trying to hold on during a sustained adrenaline rush. These things are killing me, or at the least exhausting me. I feel like they’re destroying my marriage, my family, and what emotional stability I have left, lol. Waiting to see another specialist, we’ll see what they’re verdict is I guess.

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

I’m feeling pretty disconnected. I am just so exhausted emotionally and physically that I am jarring with everything about my life it feels like. Consciously I am dealing with a huge amount of stress and subconsciously my mind is working itself into a frenzy, too, resulting in almost nightly nightmares about things that both could happen and would never happen. Last night I woke up from a nightmare where my husband was raping my daughter. This would NEVER happen, ever, never ever ever. Ever. I literally cannot stress how very much it would never happen and yet my mind… *shiver* gah. I keep having these nightmares. I’m wondering if the adrenaline from my little heart-scepades is fueling them. For whatever reason, I seem to have a little heart episode every morning around 5, in my sleep, which leads me to wake up with enough juice to swim The English Channel and leaves me totally exhausted about two hours later when it finally ebbs. I have too much in my head to get it all out and I have too many little people/things counting on me for me to take the time I need to start driveling it all out. BUT, here I am, trying to get at least a little bit of sanity into my head by pouring some of the insanity out while the kids are sleep (knowing full well that the dishes, laundry, clutter, etc. are still calling my name while staring burning holes of anger into the back of my skull from their applicable locations. I am taking care of everyone else when I’m awake, all the time, and I need me time because without it I am getting to the end of my rope and am losing my ability to function for everyone else in the capacities they need me to be. The last three days not only has my baby been a teething, separation anxiety cocktail of clinginess, but my brain has been telling me that whatever the reason may be for it needed what it needs, it still needs what it needs. So, here I am, making time… which I’ve already said… at least once… Mama needs  a break *sigh*. Even the reading gI do isn’t for myself anymore, I read for my kids, to my kids, for my relationship with my spouse, nothing just for me. Bad mommy. But when can I make time for that? On top of training a puppy, nonetheless? Garh… I’m so tired of always feeling sick and always feeling exhausted. I want answers. I want to feel like me again. I want to not wake up with joints burning and stiff and hurting. I don’t like being nauseous 24/7. I’ve never felt so weak and, just, breakable, in all my life. I want to be better! I want to be writing. And photographing. And playing with my kids. And sane. And happy. Happy would be nice, too. I am happy, or at least I kind of am, I know I should be. I love my family, every single member no matter how obnoxious, whiney, or self centered they can be. They are still wonderful people who are just being people. I miss them. I miss me. And I am tired of crying. I’ve been crying for almost 3 days now. Just started… while watching the painfully close to home “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”. I talked to another mom about it, as soon as she heard the title she was right there with me about it all. Funny how that works. Being a stay at home mom is HARD! REALLY HARD! And yet it feels like the most thankless, redundant, dead-end job I’ve ever had. And Even though my husband has told me what I do is important, when push comes to shove, though, he resorts to the “I’m the breadwinner so what I say goes” mentality. Things are a mess right now. I’m usually the calm one, the moderator, the mediator, the buffer zone, and I am losing my ability to do that because I am drained. So, here’s what little me time I can give myself to get me back on track to sanity, lol.

Survival…?

 

Watching “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” and it hurts how much I can relate to the main character. It’s my kind of movie, what can I say? I have spent a lot of my life feeling that way, especially as an adult.

 

Do NOT misunderstand me; I love my family, my husband, my kids, the pets we’ve had, all of it, but “I have lost my identity amid the children’s laundry”, as I told a friend this past week.

 

I guess, I’ve been feeling like I’m starving. Physically I’m not exactly sick but I’m not exactly working properly either, just a few bugs with the engine. Creatively I feel like I’m dying of starvation, deprivation, with life hanging just out of reach. Stuck in the kind of place with that desperate kind of hope that keeps you stetting your limbs out of their sockets without any expectation of relief.

 

Just “getting it out of my head,” like I’m always telling my son, helps.

 

I guess, if I’m truly honest with myself, I feel like I got shortchanged as a kid. My dad was all about spending time with my older brother and my mom was all about spending time with my younger sister while I was kind of left floating in this void of annoying one or the other depending on who I was around. I’m sure my mom focused on me before my sister came along, but I don’t have too many memories of that. Classic middle child syndrome, I suppose. I never felt like they had the time or wanted me around… I either “was a girl”, “couldn’t keep up” or… just… wasn’t wanted around.

 

I kind of saw growing up and going to college as a way to escape not being wanted or being told they didn’t have time for me or what have you to branch out and do what made me happy so I could make myself happy by fulfilling my own needs. Only, that’s not how life panned out, and it wouldn’t have panned out that way even if I had been able to do exactly what it was I thought would allow me to do that. Psychologically speaking, I will probably always carry that need with me to some extent, and even though I get that, it still hurts.

 

I did have the opportunity to do some photos with my phone these last couple weeks, though. It was really nice. They were like a taste of something I couldn’t have, though.

 

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