I’ve been working on this idea for a wedding dress/dresses made out of fishing nets (not fishnet like the stockings) for getting married at the beach. My drawing is way out of practice but we’ll see how it/they turn out if I ever have time to start/finish them.
So, Hubby and I had always talked about having a real wedding ceremony at our 5 yr anniversary. Well, that has come and gone now and, long story short, I’ve missed out on quite a few once in a lifetime events in most just my own life but the lives of some very close friends and I’ve kind of gotten to a point where I just feel really terrible about needing support for myself and my family again and again and again and not being able to give support back.
It’s all a culmination of the same feelings but as a result of different catalysts. I wish I could talk with my Hubby about it without him feeling like it’s his fault. Thing is, I almost feel like our relationship is set up for failure right now. He is working is ass off and we are just… almost keeping our heads above water. I’m not working and feeling like I’m going insane doing housework continually that is continually destroyed and just… not feeling… appreciated, special, whatever. If we had the money, Hubby would spoil the kids and I, no doubt, but we don’t have the money. It’s… a mess. It’s tiring and exhausting and depressing and I think we’re both hitting our limit on it. Of course, if my eldest’s father was paying child support, that would help.
I’m just a bundle of emotions I don’t have the time or energy to process right now. I love my kids and I love staying home with them, but I need adult interaction. I also need time by myself to process all these emotions. I’m just kind of raw right now, I suppose, too much in my head, as if that’s a change, lol.
More often than not, I feel like I’m at this point in life where I’m so tired there is no room for anything else. I see things that might have been inspiring once but my reaction is, instead, “oh, that’s nice”. My mind and body are exhausted from taking care of children 24/7. It’s just a stage, they’ll be grown and flown before I know it, but in the meantime I feel like I’m parched for creativity and that famine of spirit is wreaking havoc on my life in general. I’ve been dealing with some big stressors lately, too, nightmares, health issues, it’s just kind of difficult right now. The redeeming factor, in a somewhat ironic yet unsurprising way, are my children, my husband, my family. Perhaps, one day, I’ll have enough consecutive nights of sleep to be able to form cohesive sentences consecutively enough to be writing again. As for now, I’m struggling, but I’m happy…? lol