Emotional Garble-Gup

So, this is going to be a rant, something I have been trying to get away from and it really doesn’t seem right that my first entry here in forever is something out of a deep feeling of unhappiness, but I am finally making time for myself to be away from everybody while they’re sitting down to dinner because I am just so frickin’ wound up from all the stress and extra adrenaline from this stupid heart thing that I am just done. Done. Just. DONE.

Christmas Eve was my birthday, right? Same frickin’ day every frickin’ year. So far, my birthdays during/immediately before my marriage have been spent ostracized, being forgotten, being ignored, and  this year… This year, for my THIRTIETH FRICKIN’ BIRTHDAY, I was told that we’d be celebrating my birthday on my birthday. Now, as my in-laws make Christmas Eve and not Christmas day their big hullabaloo celebration, it really meant a lot to me that they were finally incorporating unchangeable things about me into their family traditions (my birthday). So, while we’re visiting we’re invited down for dinner on the 23rd and my husband left the decision up to me. In my mind, we’re there to see family so if we’re being invited over it only makes sense to see them as much as possible while we can. Well, we get there and I’m informed, “oh, we’re celebrating your birthday today insteaed”. Really? Fucking REALLY? I mean, it’s fun enough spending holidays with a father-in-law who barely acknowledges my existence much less anything else but to have that kind of disappointment thrown in my face right there in front of God and everybody was, in my opinion, hurtful, disrespectful and unacceptable. My family never would have pulled that kind of low-handed crap with an in-law, even if they didn’t like them. What the fuck, people! At least I was sang Happy Birthday, that was fun. This isn’t just a difference in family of origins, though, and that’s a big part of why this grates on me so much. The intention of it all

Then, on the 24th, to add frickin’ injury to frickin’ insult, my sister-in-law, who had offered over Thanksgiving to take our family photos over Christmas (which meant a HUGE deal to me as we’re having our last set of “first holidays” with our last child) get me daughter to go splashing around in the frickin’ jaccuzzi in her Christmas dress right after she gets there. I’m assuming she had forgotten that a) she’d offered to take the photos and b) she was a frickin’ adult and not a fellow two year old. And what does my husband do? He goes along with it because according to him “it just wasn’t worth the fight”.

So, overall, I am feeling pissed off, unappreciated, unwanted, and stressed out.

Why stressed out instead of just everyday stress? My eldest’s father is  five months behind on child support. Oh, I hadn’t mentioned that yet? Yeah, he’s FIVE FRICKIN’ MONTHS behind. We can’t pay all our bills much less buy Christmas presents for the kids.  We were truly blessed by family, both my husband’s and mine, when it came to Christmas gifts for the kids. and I appreciate that and am thankful for that. I really truly am (I probably should have led with that).

It just seems like ever since my Ex found out that I have developed this heart condition and aren’t supposed to be stressing or emotional (or human), he’s been extra difficult and extra bitchy about every single frickin’ thing. We covered his ass with transportation the weekend of his wedding when we didn’t have to, but we’re good people and it was a special occasion so we did, and what does he do but bitch and complain about how his lack of planning is our fault. Ugh! AND, he can’t pay us child support but then takes our son shopping for Christmas gifts for family members on both sides (A FIRST occurrence in the last seven years), What a slap in the face. Just give us the frickin’ child support, thanks.

Now, we’re back home. Back home to the endless dishes, diapers,  laundry, crying toddler and baby, and a husband who has decided that thank you’s, hugs, cuddling, and basically any form of encouragement for my part in particular is unwarranted or unneeded or not worth the effort or God only knows what. I mean, if I say I need a hug, I FRICKIN’ need a HUG. I’m not asking you to run a frickin’ marathon or swim the English Channel for God’s sake! Hug me! If I need some time alone don’t frickin’ call me when the baby starts to cry and put her/him on speaker and not say or try a frickin’ thing. I am a mother, got that, that does not make me the panacea for any and every random tear that pops out. Handle it! This particular thing started when our daughter and now I don’t feel comfortable going anywhere without the current baby. I mean, would you? If THAT was how it was “dealt” with? Hubby’s way better with interactive kids, or at least he was, he’s doing fabulously with our latest baby so far.

Oh, and did I mention that during Thanksgiving and Christmas I was approached by certain in-laws with a sincerest offer of sympathy if I needed a shoulder to cry on because my husband is undoubtedly cheating and or depressed? Really? One even went so far as to try snooping through my husband’s phone for me, un-asked.

I am tired, emotionally exhausted, frustrated by things I can’t control, and just sick at heart. I need a break, I need a hug, I need my husband to say he loves me without it simply being a response to me saying it first.

Most days, I know that life isn’t what we had hoped it would be, but I cope and I make do and I try not to let things get to me. For whatever reason I just can’t do that tonight. It’s all getting to me tonight.

I’m sorry, but I can’t hide from my son that we’re having money troubles when he’s hungry and opens a fridge to near emptiness. He’s old enough to understand what’s going on and I hate that he is seeing things are as tight as they are, I hate feeling things as tight as they are and I know it is weighing on my husband something terrible. He and I are both stressed and it’s getting to us. We hate not being able to take the kids out for extra special fun things, especially during the holidays. It’s not fair but it’s life. So… how do we change it? We’re trying to change it like we’ve always done, being honest and hardworking but that just doesn’t seem to get us anywhere. What are we supposed to do? Keep our chins up and muddle through? We’ve been doing that and it just feels like it’s never going to end.I know that’s not true, but it certainly feels that way right now.

I have been trying to so hard to focus on the positive, and, like I said, tonight it just feels like too much. Tomorrow I’ll have the act back together for the kids, the happy wife and mom who finds thrift activities and crafts for us to do, teaching my eldest at his own level instead of the dumbed down crap he gets at school, singing and dancing with my toddler and cuddling with my littlest boy. For right now, though, I’m overwhelmed, and just need some time to myself.  With a hug. Yeah, explain that one, lol.

And as I’m nearing the end of this entry, my husband walks in and sees I’ve been crying and, what does he do, but laughs at me. Seriously? Thank you for making me feel worse, really, much obliged. Just because you (Hubby) can’t cope with your own emotions doesn’t mean I can’t and won’t. So leave me to it and don’t try to frickin’ judge me for it like it’s some kind of ridiculous weakness.