Emotional Garble-Gup

So, this is going to be a rant, something I have been trying to get away from and it really doesn’t seem right that my first entry here in forever is something out of a deep feeling of unhappiness, but I am finally making time for myself to be away from everybody while they’re sitting down to dinner because I am just so frickin’ wound up from all the stress and extra adrenaline from this stupid heart thing that I am just done. Done. Just. DONE.

Christmas Eve was my birthday, right? Same frickin’ day every frickin’ year. So far, my birthdays during/immediately before my marriage have been spent ostracized, being forgotten, being ignored, and  this year… This year, for my THIRTIETH FRICKIN’ BIRTHDAY, I was told that we’d be celebrating my birthday on my birthday. Now, as my in-laws make Christmas Eve and not Christmas day their big hullabaloo celebration, it really meant a lot to me that they were finally incorporating unchangeable things about me into their family traditions (my birthday). So, while we’re visiting we’re invited down for dinner on the 23rd and my husband left the decision up to me. In my mind, we’re there to see family so if we’re being invited over it only makes sense to see them as much as possible while we can. Well, we get there and I’m informed, “oh, we’re celebrating your birthday today insteaed”. Really? Fucking REALLY? I mean, it’s fun enough spending holidays with a father-in-law who barely acknowledges my existence much less anything else but to have that kind of disappointment thrown in my face right there in front of God and everybody was, in my opinion, hurtful, disrespectful and unacceptable. My family never would have pulled that kind of low-handed crap with an in-law, even if they didn’t like them. What the fuck, people! At least I was sang Happy Birthday, that was fun. This isn’t just a difference in family of origins, though, and that’s a big part of why this grates on me so much. The intention of it all

Then, on the 24th, to add frickin’ injury to frickin’ insult, my sister-in-law, who had offered over Thanksgiving to take our family photos over Christmas (which meant a HUGE deal to me as we’re having our last set of “first holidays” with our last child) get me daughter to go splashing around in the frickin’ jaccuzzi in her Christmas dress right after she gets there. I’m assuming she had forgotten that a) she’d offered to take the photos and b) she was a frickin’ adult and not a fellow two year old. And what does my husband do? He goes along with it because according to him “it just wasn’t worth the fight”.

So, overall, I am feeling pissed off, unappreciated, unwanted, and stressed out.

Why stressed out instead of just everyday stress? My eldest’s father is  five months behind on child support. Oh, I hadn’t mentioned that yet? Yeah, he’s FIVE FRICKIN’ MONTHS behind. We can’t pay all our bills much less buy Christmas presents for the kids.  We were truly blessed by family, both my husband’s and mine, when it came to Christmas gifts for the kids. and I appreciate that and am thankful for that. I really truly am (I probably should have led with that).

It just seems like ever since my Ex found out that I have developed this heart condition and aren’t supposed to be stressing or emotional (or human), he’s been extra difficult and extra bitchy about every single frickin’ thing. We covered his ass with transportation the weekend of his wedding when we didn’t have to, but we’re good people and it was a special occasion so we did, and what does he do but bitch and complain about how his lack of planning is our fault. Ugh! AND, he can’t pay us child support but then takes our son shopping for Christmas gifts for family members on both sides (A FIRST occurrence in the last seven years), What a slap in the face. Just give us the frickin’ child support, thanks.

Now, we’re back home. Back home to the endless dishes, diapers,  laundry, crying toddler and baby, and a husband who has decided that thank you’s, hugs, cuddling, and basically any form of encouragement for my part in particular is unwarranted or unneeded or not worth the effort or God only knows what. I mean, if I say I need a hug, I FRICKIN’ need a HUG. I’m not asking you to run a frickin’ marathon or swim the English Channel for God’s sake! Hug me! If I need some time alone don’t frickin’ call me when the baby starts to cry and put her/him on speaker and not say or try a frickin’ thing. I am a mother, got that, that does not make me the panacea for any and every random tear that pops out. Handle it! This particular thing started when our daughter and now I don’t feel comfortable going anywhere without the current baby. I mean, would you? If THAT was how it was “dealt” with? Hubby’s way better with interactive kids, or at least he was, he’s doing fabulously with our latest baby so far.

Oh, and did I mention that during Thanksgiving and Christmas I was approached by certain in-laws with a sincerest offer of sympathy if I needed a shoulder to cry on because my husband is undoubtedly cheating and or depressed? Really? One even went so far as to try snooping through my husband’s phone for me, un-asked.

I am tired, emotionally exhausted, frustrated by things I can’t control, and just sick at heart. I need a break, I need a hug, I need my husband to say he loves me without it simply being a response to me saying it first.

Most days, I know that life isn’t what we had hoped it would be, but I cope and I make do and I try not to let things get to me. For whatever reason I just can’t do that tonight. It’s all getting to me tonight.

I’m sorry, but I can’t hide from my son that we’re having money troubles when he’s hungry and opens a fridge to near emptiness. He’s old enough to understand what’s going on and I hate that he is seeing things are as tight as they are, I hate feeling things as tight as they are and I know it is weighing on my husband something terrible. He and I are both stressed and it’s getting to us. We hate not being able to take the kids out for extra special fun things, especially during the holidays. It’s not fair but it’s life. So… how do we change it? We’re trying to change it like we’ve always done, being honest and hardworking but that just doesn’t seem to get us anywhere. What are we supposed to do? Keep our chins up and muddle through? We’ve been doing that and it just feels like it’s never going to end.I know that’s not true, but it certainly feels that way right now.

I have been trying to so hard to focus on the positive, and, like I said, tonight it just feels like too much. Tomorrow I’ll have the act back together for the kids, the happy wife and mom who finds thrift activities and crafts for us to do, teaching my eldest at his own level instead of the dumbed down crap he gets at school, singing and dancing with my toddler and cuddling with my littlest boy. For right now, though, I’m overwhelmed, and just need some time to myself.  With a hug. Yeah, explain that one, lol.

And as I’m nearing the end of this entry, my husband walks in and sees I’ve been crying and, what does he do, but laughs at me. Seriously? Thank you for making me feel worse, really, much obliged. Just because you (Hubby) can’t cope with your own emotions doesn’t mean I can’t and won’t. So leave me to it and don’t try to frickin’ judge me for it like it’s some kind of ridiculous weakness.

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Holey Socks

The family and I were working on laundry today, as we tend to do most Sundays. Afterwards my husband commented on my eldest’s holy socks, kind of poking fun at him. I quipped up with the fact that my socks were holy, too. Hubby said we should throw holy socks away and it got me thinking…

I’m kind of the type who wears something till you literally cannot wear it any longer before I get rid of it. My son’s socks and my socks are more holy than not at this point. He’s having a break from growing and has worn through his socks instead of outgrowing them (like he used to do and as his little sister is now doing). It goes beyond not wanting to be wasteful. When you get rid of the things that are in bad shape… it shows how little we have that’s in “good” condition, and that is very disheartening.  I’m thankful for all the wonderful things we do have; a home, each other, food.

There’s just something about empty drawers that makes me a little sad. It’s even worse when it’s the cupboard or fridge shelves. With child support, we were scraping by okay. Things were always tight, don’t get me wrong, but we could afford a little something extra for the kids or each other every once in a while. Without child support, it’s a choice of buying groceries or paying bills. It’s using couch change for school events and gas in the car.

I’m not saying that if my son’s biological would pay child support life would be all roses and sunshine, but it certainly would help with putting food on the table and reduce the stress on the family, maybe even help get some new socks for ChaosMonkey.

One of the big reasons my husband took a 13 month deployment was because we were so pressed for cash. He’s that kind of man, family comes first. He did his best to Skype with the kids, call on the phone, write letters and send boxes full of thoughts and wishes. My eldest’s biological father is just about the complete opposite, if not totally the complete opposite. I wish I could say he’s changed as ChaosMonkey’s gotten older, but really, he hasn’t. Instead of manipulating me he’s working his talons into our son. Somedays, I honestly wish he would just walk away and let my husband adopt him.

Lots going on in my head right now…

Baby Pictures

Just some shots of our newest little one. He’s about two weeks old, now. Worst delivery of the three (my doctors were just stupid, in my opinion) but the recovery has been the second easiest. 🙂

P1000158 P1000191 P1000182 IMG_7969 P1000171 IMG_7969 P1000171 P1000163

Just A Night…

I have found myself missing things tonight. Things like time to myself, writing, Christmases with my big rowdy extended family, my cats Nova, Comet, Celest, and Odysseus, friends, late night excursions to a bar or cafe for the most random conversations that last for hours and leave you feeling like you might understand the universe just a little bit more but now you have so many more questions to pursue… I miss my writers group, the friends I made there (even if they all were at least 20 yrs my seniors). I kind of miss having a life beyond kids and housework. Much as I love my kids, I’m finding myself in need of finding myself again. I have been lost under piles of laundry, dishes, and diapers.

Mommy Morning Moments

So, this morning while I was in the bathroom, my independent, ever so helpful daughter decided she would try her hand at changing her own diaper. Adorable right?

Now, take into consideration that I had told her I’d be right back, since I had to go potty, and we had started out in the living room… makes sense then that if that’s where Mommy would be returning to, that’s where she would want to be, right? So, she went into her room, climbed up, got all the diaper changing fixings down from the changing table and had brought them out to the living room.

Since our living room has wood flooring, it only made sense that she would set herself up on the very large, dark, area rug… Diapers, wipes, baby powder, and, of course, diaper cream…

So, I returned to the living room to find a diaperless toddler EVER so proud of herself who obviously couldn’t wait to show me what a great job she had done. I was a good mom, I smiled, told her good job, all the “right” things.

Then she brought up the mess she’d made, on the dark carpet, with the diaper cream… (which cleaned up pretty easily with baby wipes)

“Yes, honey, that is a mess. That’s why Mommy changes your diapers on the changing table. You did a great job but next time let Mommy help you do it where you’re supposed to do it. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“To the bathtub, let’s go wash you up.”

“Okay.”

Pride in her accomplishment still in tact despite a gentle reproach as to the where and such of said accomplishment. I feel like such a super mom right now, lol. I am proud of myself and my little girl. Woohoo!

… Update, while I was working on this little post, she pooped in the bathtub… *forehead smack* Into the shower…

…AND… it appears we’re out of bleach…

Just in Cases…

So, in the event Xanga does not survive, I’m going to try posting on WP instead. We’ll see how it goes. I’ve tried to connect/re-connect with other Xangans here as well. Might be a bit before I post regularly again as I’ve had a rather difficult pregnancy and am coming up on my due date. Please feel free to contact me regardless, though. 🙂